Everyone at a certain point in life has dreamt of having self-esteem worth being looked at with respect. Self-esteem is not just a personality but an attitude one carries while facing any type of situation in life. It is a perception of one’s ability, confidence, worth, and value in oneself.
Self-esteem acts as the engine of our emotional and psychological vehicle. The healthier one’s self-esteem is, the better they feel emotionally and psychologically. Cultivating healthy self-esteem is vital for leading a fulfilling and balanced life.
A lack of self-esteem is the feeling of being at odds with oneself, dodging life’s hurdles, constantly needing external validation, and falling into the trap of comparing oneself to others. We’ve all been there at some point. Research conducted by the American Bar Association shows that 85% of the population suffers from low self-esteem.
Building a healthy self-esteem isn’t an overnight fix. There are steps, approaches, and methods you can follow to strengthen your self-esteem. Remember, recognizing the need for self-improvement is already a form of self-acknowledgment. Let’s discuss the types of Self-esteem, and how we can build it.
Table of Contents
Development of Self-Esteem from Childhood
It is important to understand that not everybody has high self-esteem from birth. Self-esteem develops as we grow. It is built based on our life experiences and external influences. The reasons are more bending towards the root which we shall discuss further. But, the first thing to do is to not blame ourselves for having low self-esteem. Here are a few contributing factors that often result in us having self-doubt and not believing in ourselves.
Childhood Upbringing
Early interactions with caregivers such as parents and caretakers after a child’s birth create a foundation for self-esteem. Responsiveness, affection, and consistent care foster a sense of security and worth in infants. We see ourselves in the eyes of whom we love. A famous quote that very much aligns with this-
I am not what I think I am, I am not what you think I am, I am what I think you think I am
Charles Cooley
This simply refers to us finding ourselves in the eyes of the people we interact with. When people do not perceive us as our true selves, their negativity reflects in us resulting in self-doubt. Research by the National Library of Medicine shows How childhood Trauma directly affects Self-Esteem.
Positive Validation
As children develop, the support and validation they receive from their parents, teachers, and peers becomes pivotal. Acknowledging their accomplishments and efforts not only fosters a positive self-image but also encourages their growth.
When this necessity is not fulfilled during the upbringing of the child, it gradually grows within them in the form of an inner wound or sometimes as a childhood trauma which later leads the child to carry self-doubt and anxiousness.
Freedom of Expression
Encouraging children to explore and embrace new experiences fosters their sense of competence and mastery. These instances play a pivotal role in nurturing their self-confidence as they grow. Moreover, when kids face challenges and conquer them with guidance, it cultivates resilience, shaping their belief that they can navigate difficulties confidently.
Restriction for children to express their self leads to suppression of emotions. Which also hides their creativity and true self.
Self-Respect
Children grasp the essence of self-esteem by mirroring those around them. When they witness positive role models expressing confidence and self-respect, it significantly shapes how they perceive themselves.
In case of surrounding negative circumstances or people with abusive behavior or with low self-esteem, it can directly impact the child’s fostering.
Growth and Improvement
Constructive guidance and feedback are pivotal in personal development. Criticism without supportive elements can harm self-esteem, whereas constructive feedback catalyzes growth and improvement.
Forcing the restriction to follow certain beliefs or specific rules often takes away the ability to wonder in children. Which later in their life makes them extremely conscious resulting in low self-esteem.
What is Toxic Self-Esteem
Before we learn about how to build self-esteem, let’s first discuss what Toxic self-esteem looks like. Toxic Self-esteem is sourced from external validation and uncontrollable factors. This is an exaggerated belief in one’s ability and capability portrayed regardless of evidence or actual achievements. It builds fragile self-esteem which can be easily threatened by criticism and Failure.
- Pursuing personal gain or success at the expense of others’ well-being
- Disregarding moral or ethical considerations.
- Narcissistic Behaviour
Toxic self-esteem can have detrimental effects on individuals and their relationships. It may lead to destructive behaviors, strained relationships, and a lack of personal growth or development.
The perfect example is a story told by Mark Manson in his book “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F**k”. The story is about a guy ‘Jimmy’ who was a serial aspiring entrepreneur. He tricked people into giving him money with his false schemes saying that he had multiple ideas, He knew all about the famous people. With his convincing skills, he got his family and friends to invest in his business idea only to disappear with their money. Now you may say that Jimmy was a loser who was insecure about not having enough money and started fooling people for fame and social status.
On the contrary, Jimmy believed in his Assertions. He believed that he was an amazing entrepreneur and didn’t doubt his ability. Jimmy had High Self Esteem but it is clear to understand that this was Toxic Self Esteem.
This emphasizes the distinction between healthy and toxic self-esteem. While Jimmy had high confidence in his abilities, he was misguided and detached from ethical boundaries, resulting in exploitation and deceit.
How to build Healthy Self-Esteem
Building healthy self-esteem involves nurturing a positive and realistic sense of self-worth. We will discuss how to build healthy self-esteem with a few easy steps.
Self-Honesty
The very first thing to building Healthy self-esteem is to accept oneself. Accept yourself completely, including your positivity and negativity, your successes and failures, your faults, and your qualities as they encourage change and improvement. Accept even if you have any toxic self-esteem. Only after acceptance does it give you the headspace to work on getting better.
Self-honesty can look like finding out what you are good at and what you are bad at. Any dishonesty in the sense either pushes the ego to a higher level “I am better than everyone else in the room” or to the lower level “I am the worst person to exist”.
Self-Compassion
People with low self-esteem tend to get hard on themselves. They take everything personally. Show yourself that compassion as you are only learning and willing to grow. Self-compassion can create a relaxed and open-minded space for implementing changes.
Self-compassion can start with providing services. When we do good for people without expecting any return that’s when we feel genuinely good about ourselves. Service does not only refer to charity but it can be of any form that helps other people to learn from you. You could be a musician that helps people find entertainment or you could be a writer that helps people to learn from you.
Healthy Boundaries
Sometimes having low self-esteem can put you in a position where people take advantage of you. Set and maintain healthy boundaries that protect your well-being. Learn to say no when your boundaries are under threat. To understand how to set healthy boundaries, you can explore The 4 Types of Relationship Boundaries.
Setting boundaries is respecting yourself. It is also a form of self-love. Setting healthy boundaries not only helps you be confident but also makes you look attractive. Sometimes setting boundaries can be upsetting for others but that does not mean you are wrong. Sometimes people feel threatened because it makes you a whole lot harder to control. It is simply just that healthy boundaries are always a threat to unhealthy people.
Facing Challenges
To boost your self-esteem, you must have a valid reason to believe that about yourself. Step out of your comfort zone. Welcome problems and solve them without taking anything personally. Facing challenges helps build resilience and confidence.
There is a saying that “We learn from our mistakes”. But more often than not we are scared to make those mistakes. Being open to challenges and open to negative feedback helps create resilience.
Setting Realistic Goals
Start keeping small, achievable goals that align with your values and skills. Celebrate small victories to boost your confidence.
Sometimes our goals overwhelm us slowly leading to procrastination. Keeping realistic goals and celebrating small wins helps build self-confidence and willingness to set more goals. It’s like “The more you do, the more you want to do”.
Learn and Grow
Continuously invest in learning and personal development. Acquiring new skills and knowledge boosts confidence. Be good at least at something that adds positive value to your life if not on many things.
Investing in yourself is a form of self-growth. Try out a new hobby that might help you bring out the hidden potential or be open and more expressive on something that you think you are good at. When you recognize your potential, you start feeling good about yourself.
Conclusion
Self-esteem isn’t about perfection. it’s about self-acceptance, embracing our flaws, strengths, and everything in between. It’s about celebrating progress, not just the destination, and understanding that every experience contributes to our growth. Our worth is not measured by a single moment but by the sum of our experiences, growth, and the courage to authentically embrace our journey. So, It is time we celebrate our uniqueness and build unshakable self-esteem- – one that leads to a more confident, resilient, and fulfilled version of ourselves.